Schizopolis Poster Text

Nov 08, 2013

Warning: It is a violation of Federal ‘law’ to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Do not ingest this film if you have had a severe allergic reaction to methylparaben, carbomer-934, FD&C Blue #1, or any of their by-products, employees, relatives, or sycophants. This motion picture, its photoplay, and musical soundtrack, are, if taken at face value, entirely ‘true’, insofar as the terms of its allegorical references all relate metaphorically to one another, and should be stored in a cool, dry place, away from open flame. All characters are either real or fictitious and any reference or resemblance to any being real or fictitious, living or dead, animal, vegetable or mineral, is strictly coincidental, but nonetheless noteworthy. Remove pets, birds, and cover fish aquariums before viewing. 

Adults: View once every four to six hours while symptoms persist. Do not exceed six viewings in twenty-four hours, or your head will explode like the Death Star and people will actively avoid your company and any of its subsidiaries. Any reference to any existing film, theater production, fraternity skit, television show, tribal dance, or seance, whether mentioned by name or inferred through cryptic homage or plagiaristic subtlety is also purely ‘coincidental’ unless otherwise and duly noted as either a blatant rip-off or a downright dirty unsubstantiated lie. Though not from lack of trying, this film does not violate any vehicular statutes or state sodomy laws, and although proven to heal minor cuts and abrasions, will not be a contributing factor in the battle against syphilis, leprosy, or stupidity, any or all of which may or may not cause minor back pain and stuttering in those open to the public. Contrary to the ‘opinions’ of several test groups and the Malaysian Youth Movement (not to be confused with the Youth Movement of Malaysia, a splinter group of dubious value and intent), this ‘film’ is intended primarily but not exclusively for miscreants, aspiring dentists, and petty thieves, and could undoubtedly prove therapeutic to anyone still bitter over the sudden changing of Darrens on TV’s “Bewitched”. 

This film is for external use only, and will produce serious gastric disturbances if mixed with hand lotion and root beer, though not in that order. In case of accidental ingestion, swallow repeatedly, then vomit on the youngest person present, regardless of how far you must travel to do so. Rub any and all moving parts with a slow, circular motion, and wait until laughter commences before adding to a half bucket of warm water. Please contact us at the address of your choice at our earliest convenience and be advised that any information leading to an acquittal will be paid for on a first-come, first-serve basis, unless said applicant claims to be a substitute for grain or ethyl alcohol. Please be advised that this poster is currently convincing you to spend your hard-earned ‘money’ on our film and is in no way connected to or associated with various and sundry ‘grass roots’ campaigns to overthrow various and sundry persons and/or institutions, as defined by a consumer leaflet attached to the bottom of your seat, which may or may not be used as a floatation device in the event of a water landing. All standards of ‘decency’ (as defined by us and people who think like us) permit that, in the event rampant confusion runs amok and/or afoul of any humane sensibilities which may or may not have at one time or other pervaded the very fiber of your ‘being’ (as defined by us and people who think like us) or any being upon which you may have vehemently, strenuously, or otherwise foolheartedly placed your ‘trust’ and ‘faith’ therein, or should your head spin Linda Blair-like in small, concentric circles at some point during your viewing of this particular motion picture, its photoplay, or its musical soundtrack, it has been and will continue to be our contention that you should all at once fall upon your ‘knees’, throw your hands and head(s) upward toward the mighty heavens and exclaim in a voice befitting of kings, gods, and ‘Carol Channing’ that you, the viewer of said poster and presumably of said movie, are the source of your own misperceptions and that ‘chocolate pudding’ is not, has never been, and never will be an effective tooth-whitening agent, for reasons too numerous to describe herein, despite the fact we have a lot of space to fill up and will undoubtedly have to repeat this rant a couple of times, if not more. 

Furthermore (or less, as the case may be), if, in the throes of a brief spell of lucidity, you wish to deny those misperceptions and cry heartily that the burden of understanding is upon our heads and not yours, please bear in mind that our ‘reaction’ will not waver, our feelings will not be hurt, and our flowers will not wilt, but instead we will steadfastly proclaim that to us it all makes perfect sense and that even if it didn’t, why would we admit as much to a single-celled organism like you? Furthermore, as proprietors of this film and all contained therein, it is our ‘right’ as filmmakers to change our minds about any sequences in the film which may seem trite or confusing, and reserve the right (and the liberal left) to redescribe, reinterpret, or redefine them at length (or width) in whatever manner suits our own sensibilities and yours (or not, as defined by us and people who think like us), in perpetuity, which is tough to say without spitting. In the event that these sensibilities change, run astray, or call information when they could easily have looked up the number, we retain the right to change our ‘minds’ again and reformulate, reinterpret, and redefine opinions that we may or may not strongly deny at this ‘time’ or any other ‘time’. In the event that any reformulated opinions do not coincide with any of our preconceived notions about which sensibilities we may or may not have cited as ‘culprits’ for those opinions, we concurrently retain the right to deny the existence of any preconceived notions that we may or may not have decided to reformulate, redescribe, or reinterpret in the known universe and its environs, now or in the immediate, near, distant, and not-so-distant future or past (or not, as defined by us and people who think like us). If by some chance ‘you’ have formulated any opinions or preconceived notions of what our opinions or preconceived notions may or may not be, we reserve the right to further formulate obtuse opinions of your opinions and believe you to be a floundering doo-doo head, with descriptive pictures and character witnesses to ‘buttress’ our position (although our buttresses are pretty big already). 

This product may be toxic to aquatic invertebrates, and should not be sprayed onto or come in contact with rubber, plastic, ‘asphalt’, leaves, mice, luncheon meat, or ‘Regis’ Philbin. Do not incinerate or puncture unused portion, or really bad things will happen to you and the horse you rode in on. Whenever possible, view this product in the early evening, after all the insects have returned to their nest(s). Schizopolis cleans tough food easily, is mild on your hands, and is great for fine washables, too, although if you repeat that, we’ll deny it. We absolve ourselves of all wrongdoing on the part of our contentions and will distance ourselves from those contentions to such extent that we will cease to be visible. It is our considered opinion that the aforementioned statements regarding any prospective statements on our or in your behalf (or ours) are by no means reflective of the opinions of any of the major television networks or of any of their anchors and that last we heard it was still illegal to retelecast or rebroadcast Major League baseball games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, although who has time to write when it’s so much easier to pick up a phone. This film contains no segments and/or sequences depicting the strangulation of ‘live’ chickens, their employees, or relatives, and no gratuitous portrayals of stock car races, celebrity auctions, or lottery drawings. Among the actors never considered for the lead role were Robert De Niro, Tom Hanks, Michael Caine, the eerily and quite coincidentally-named Stephen Sondheim, and whoever else happens to be hot at the moment. All ‘haircuts’, either real or imaginary, were conducted in confidence, are subject to attorney/client privilege, and were destroyed immediately after use. It will not be ‘necessary’ here or on any other part of this poster to state that this film is coming soon to a theater near you, as it seems quite obvious by the mere presence of this announcement that it has either already arrived or will be coming soon to a theater near you, assuming that the theater where you will be at the time will be near you or at least near someone who resembles you enough to make very little difference to us either way. On the outside chance that you are currently reading this disclaimer at a theater that is not near you, there is little cause for alarm, since the terms ‘theater’, ‘near’, and ‘you’ are all relative and that what is near to some may be far to others, and it’s really quite amazing some of the places that are actually allowed to call themselves theaters these days.  

For those of you who have joined our program in progress, you are currently reading the disclaimer from the independent film Schizopolis, not to be confused with the more botanically-minded schizocarp, the slimy sporozoan schizogyny or schistosomiasis, which, as of early 1994, Webster’s ‘dictionary’ defined as “a chronic, usually tropical, disease, caused by schistosomes and characterized in humans by disorders of the liver, urinary bladder, lungs, or central nervous system.” While hardly chronic, rarely tropical, and only occasionally compatible with afflictions of the liver, this film can be considered highly flammable, and should applied with a sponge, mop, or cloth, though not simultaneously. It will hereby be decreed by the filmmakers that this sentence will heretofore and thereafter represent the present tense. All sentences representing the future have yet to be written and will always be conceived with the clear understanding that they can and will immediately be allowed to represent both the past and present if need be. Any sentences written in the past must remain past tense until which time as they will be allowed to represent the present or be looked forward to as sentences representing the future. Political correctness and feelings of guilt and self-loathing prohibit our use of certain qualifying adjectives in describing specific scenes to the media or general public or both (or not). Drinking alcoholic beverages could seriously impair your ability to delineate or determine any or all implied qualifying adjectives which may at some time or other relate to something potentially offensive, whether implied, inferred, or taken out of context of the mindset of you, the viewer, and, in the event that said mindset infers, implies, or takes out of context anything not meant to be implied by our use or neglect of said qualifying adjectives, it is strongly suggested that you have another drink, or at least get off our backs. The preceding use of the word ‘drink’, even though previously used in the same sentence as ‘alcoholic drink’, is not meant to imply alcoholic content if the context in which the sentence was understood seemed to imply that we are condoning the use of any sort of alcoholic beverage to make this film more bearable and should only be taken in that context when drinking heavily, considering drinking heavily, or just plain drunk. 

All others, most notably recovering alcoholics and the like, are urged to assume that ‘drink’ could conceivably, and quite unambiguously, refer to anything from coffee to green tea to a nice frosty glass of Jolt Cola, all of which should induce notable effects on your interpretation of this motion picture, its photoplay, and its musical soundtrack, for which no deal has yet been made, which is frustrating. Prozac is neither essential nor required for the enjoyment of this film, but you didn’t hear that from us. Viewers should avoid receptacles deemed proper for the deposit of this poster. Do not insert poster in nose, mouth or ears, unless advised by a qualified publicist or their belabored minions and foot soldiers. To avoid tearing, please invest in a 99 cent staple remover from your local pharmacy. For adhesive glues or bonding agents, peel slowly, or use teapot steam method made popular by late 1970’s sitcoms to open suspicious letters. As a last ditch effort, resort to razor sharp knives and use extreme caution not to bleed on poster as unsightly blood stains will most certainly tarnish the value of your score, unless you claim it’s the director’s blood, which would then involve a lengthy DNA analysis that would only prove that you’re a lying sack of feces. Please keep poster away from floodwaters of more than 4' in height and avoid at all costs selling poster to black marketeers who have little use for cheap posters on the Black Market, and are not always black to begin with, for your information. In the event that you are offered a trade for said poster by said black (or non-black) marketeer for an undisclosed amount of money, costume jewelry, or hot cereal, settle for no less than two tickets to the latest Neil Simon vehicle or the cash equivalent of a guest spot on Geraldo. Wear something casual. Nylon jogging suits are always nice. Sniff poster ink at your own risk and let us know what happens. Do not incinerate, shred, or verbally accost those close to you unless you know a really good dry cleaner that doesn’t ask questions. Avoid brushing any bodily appendages against the edge of this  page as impending paper cuts will prove painful and undesired, although repeated exposure to its contents will help relieve most somatic illnesses, up to and including the desire to watch televised hockey. When wrapping fish, always wrap with inked side facing outward, unless you think dead fish can read. 

This poster will not hold up well in cases of fire, famine, or extreme urination, and will react less than favorably to gunplay, Molotov cocktails, or cherry bombs (though bombs of other flavors may produce the desired effect, i.e., the new cherry Coke bomb). Do not draw on this poster without first conceptualizing and working out the finished piece in your head beforehand. Any writing should take special care not to impede the legibility of this or any other message(s). Longevity permits that only permanent markers be used when defacing this artwork. As a special gesture of good faith to the four or more ‘actors’ depicted here (or not), we discourage all anatomical additions to their persons, no matter how flattering, and feel obliged to suggest that, if you must indulge in such doodles, please try to enlarge where possible, if you know what we mean. Pungent and strong, the joys of Schizopolarian mischief will wend their wily, willing way through your tough outer shell into the soft creamy Twinkie® filling of your existence, and in your ‘bowels’ will produce (with little or no effort on your part) the warm, fuzzy feeling that won’t pass with age but instead fester and grow until you are, at last, a complete person, worthy and capable of bringing eleven items into the express lane without feeling guilty and crying over those starving children on TV while you step over the homeless without a thought on your way to work every day. Repeat.