No. 7 MemoFROM: The Division of Human Engineering
Did you miss me? I know you did!
I have to admit, Mr/Dr Soderbergh knows how to save money—instead of giving us paid vacation time during August, he just fired and rehired us. Smart!
Obviously, there is a lot to catch up on and lots of changes afoot here at world’s most confused corporation.
First of all: Color me shocked! It’s come to my attention that 50% percent of the people receiving these email blasts DON’T EVEN OPEN THEM.
I don’t have to tell you what a blow to my self-image that is, but I will anyway: it’s like being slapped in the face with a live salmon. Plus, if I have to work under any more pressure over here I’ll be pissing diamonds, and if/when Mr/Dr Soderbergh finds out I’m only batting .500 with these emails, well, maybe I can get a job taking care of Hanne Klitbutten up at there at Platitudes. Or share a room with her.
Now I do realize I’m yelling at the wrong person, because if you’re reading this then you aren’t part of the (my) problem, but there’s been a lot “discussion” about how to draw more (any?) traffic to the site, and Mr/Dr Soderbergh seems resolutely wishy-washy about how to accomplish this. So please excuse my misdirected anxiety--I will aim it all inward from now on! Olestra Bluray did move the contact option box to the top of the very first page where everyone can see it right away, so maybe that will help.
Big news in the SWAG department! Mr/Dr Soderbergh’s tweeted “novella” GLUE is now available for purchase. I’ve been too busy to take a close look but it looks pretty cool from a distance, and if you’re into existential spy porn, this may be the book for you! Also, we are moving many of the items that used to be in the ART and AUCTION departments into SWAG, because the AUCTION department has been SHUT DOWN, as per Olestra Bluray. The good news is no one really worked in those departments, so there was none of the typical tears and bloodshed you get at real companies when people get fired. Phew! That Olestra is ruthless, though—I’m trying to look as busy as possible at all times.
Big news in the THREADS department: NEW T-SHIRTS. Four, in fact, and three of them are not movie references per se but actual, real-world sayings you can use in your actual real-world life! I’m wearing one of them right now, and if you’ve been paying attention to these emails I bet you can figure out which one.
Finally, we have a new department: SALON DE REFUSES. Apparently, Mr/Dr Soderbergh has a closet/hard drive full of stuff he feels the public should really have access to. I’m not really sure what’s going to be posted there, because every time I ask Olestra about it she just shakes her head, which I take to mean this was not her idea at all. I guess the first post is some song about food by an unknown performer Mr/Dr Soderbergh is obsessed with named Earl Holliday. It kind of sounds like Lou Reed, if he had no talent whatsoever.
It must be obvious by now what a great tell-all I’ll be able to write when Extension 765 closes it portals. But until then I’ll be doing my best to avoid that slapped-in-the-face-with-a-live-salmon feeling!
Fabrizia del Dongo
Co-President, Dept. of Impact Attenuation